


When I Was Happy

by JenSpinner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, castiel in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenSpinner/pseuds/JenSpinner
Summary: Nothing But Pain.





	When I Was Happy

 

Castiel wakes, shaking the fuzziness from his mind, his eyes flick to and fro, the stench of blood and death is thick in the air and makes him nauseous, frowning he takes in the dark cave around him, the cold stones that build up most of the walls, the cracking and rotten wooden beams that support the ceiling, he staggers slightly as he tries to stand up, reaching out a hand to grip on to the wall for support.

“Come on, Cas!” Sam is shouting, grabbing his hand and pulling him up, tugging him along with him down the cave, towards the light in the distance. A snarling creature rushes at Sam from the shadows, shoving him away from Castiel as another vampire charges at him. Castiel raises his angel blade and slashes at the vampire attacking him, narrowly avoiding the razor-sharp teeth as the vamp lunges for his neck... Over the vampire's shoulder, he sees a third rush forward catching hold of Sam’s arm as he tried to raise his blade, it holds him still as the first one bats his hand away and bites deeply into his neck…  

Sam’s scream bounces around the cave walls and Castiel feels it pierce his very heart with sadness.

Castiel clenches his jaw and slashes his blade through the neck of the vampire on him, its head cutting clean from its body and rolling away on the ground. Turning Castiel watches in dismay as the vampire sinking its teeth into Sam, pulls back forcefully, taking a large chunk of Sam’s flesh in its mouth…

Blood spurts from the wound and the screaming stops, Castiel can hear the desperate gagging noises Sam makes in his throat as he goes limp in the vampire's arms. Bleeding a thick red trail down into the cave as the two vampires quickly drag him away…

Castiel shouts out, some kind of angry roar… He charges after Sam and the vampires, his angel blade gripped painfully tight in his hands. Castiel shouts Sams name, but he knows… with that wound, even if the vampires left him alone, Sam would bleed out in a matter of seconds. He scours the cave for a few minutes, he listens for any sign that Sam made it…

But there is none…

“I can’t save him,” Mumbles Castiel grievously defeated. He falls to his knees… Sam was gone. His friend… was dead. He closes his eyes, tears overflow from his eyes and bleeds down his cheeks. How was he going to explain this to Dean… to…

“Jack?” As he opens his eyes, he blinks against the shocking bright light… He is sat in an armchair, in a private hospital room… And on the bed in front of him, unconscious and pale, is his son. His Jack.

He looks about him… How did he get here? He felt like, he’d just been… somewhere else. He felt like, something terrible had just happened… Something that weighed heavily on his heart. He blinked again… He was really here, he sat up and looked at Jack’s face, his eyes closed, his breathing slow and steady. The machines around him beeped steadily. Castiel took a deep breath, feeling shaken but not really knowing why…

He looked at his son, sadness filling him as he thinks about how Jack’s life has been so cruel, he is just a child, and a child... should be full of life, energy, not lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. He should be at home, with his family… Castiel stands up, glances about him to make sure there are no unwanted eyes on him and places his hand on Jacks clammy forehead, he squeezes his eyes shut… Willing his grace to heal his boy, to save his son…

The machines sudden manic beeping forces his eyes open… Numbers that he doesn’t really understand rises and fall on the screens of the noisy machines. All he knows is that something is wrong… He couldn’t heal Jack.

Jack’s eyes flicker slightly as his body starts to convulse on the bed before him…

“No…” He says his eyes widening… “No, no, no… Jack? Jack!”

The machines stop beeping and ring out one long gut-wrenching tone… as Jack seems to fade away before his eyes.

Castiel’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears and he drapes himself over Jacks lifeless form hugging him to him, holding on tightly…

Until he feels warm wetness seeping into his shirt… Confused he releases his hold on his boy and leans back to find, he is no longer in the hospital, now it seems he is knelt in a field, the grass wet with morning dew. And where only seconds earlier he could have sworn Jack was, now was…

“Dean…?” Castiel’s voice quakes as he looks into Dean’s eyes, his face is speckled with blood and his breathing comes in quick little gasps, looking down at his chest, Castiel can see the telltale claw marks of a hell hound… “Dean… No… This can’t be happening”

“Cas…” Dean’s voice is barely audible as he struggles to form words… “I’m sorry…”  

Castiel is shaking his head as he holds Dean close to him, clutching on to him desperately. “Dean… You can’t… can’t leave me…” His tears fall thick and fast on to Dean’s clothing as he prays for a miracle, something… anything to save the most beautiful man he’d ever know, his friend, his love... Dean. “Please, stay with me”

Dean’s lip quirks in a barely there smile as his eyes flick over Castiel’s lips… “I wish I’d been brave enough… to love you” He whispers with his last breath…

Castiel’s stares into his lifeless face, his whole body trembling, his brain hasn’t quite caught up, he can’t have lost Dean… he can’t have. This isn’t real, this isn’t fair...  “Dean…” He weeps “Dean… you can’t… leave me… Please… Please don’t leave me. I love you…”

But Dean doesn’t answer him. Dean is already gone. Castiel’s scream sends waves of power oscillating from his chest, where his heart is breaking. They boom out, larger and larger as he lowers his forehead to Dean’s and sobs… His rain of sadness splattering across Dean’s face… As he mutters out over and over…

“It’s not real, it’s not fair…” He repeats his mantra over a dozen times, getting more and more desperate. Getting angrier and angrier, until finally he throws his head back and screams into the air around him…

“THIS IS NOT REAL. BRING HIM BACK. DEAN CAN’T… TAKE ME…” He looks back down into Dean’s frozen features… and his voice cracks as finishes his plea “Take me… Not Dean, not him… Please…” He rests his lips to Dean’s cooling forehead “I beg you”

“Hello, Castiel…”

Castiel’s breath hitches as he looks up sharply… The black slimy mass moving towards him begins to take the shape of a faceless man…

Castiel’s eyes widened “You…?”

“You,” Says The Empty and Castiel watches as his own face forms before his eyes, staring back at him, tilting ~~his~~ … it’s head to one side…

“Every thousand deaths or so, you seem to become a little more aware, you almost sense the Deja vu... you call out, we talk…” The Empty stepped forward, the trenchcoat forming and flapping as ~~he~~ - it moves forwards “This is… the four-hundredth and fifty-sixth time we have talked.”

“Why?” Asked Castiel resting Dean’s head down on the ground gently and moving to stand up.

“Well, most times… You lose Sam, you lose Jack… But it’s this… Losing him…” The Empty waves his hand lazily towards Dean’s body “That’s what breaks you… Most times, you take out your angel blade, and you end it yourself… straight away. But times like this… Where you realize things aren’t quite as they seem… You cry you beg, you try to make deals, you scream and stomp your feet like a sulking child… It’s... irritating”

“If I annoy you so much, why don’t you let me go…” Snaps Castiel angrily. 

“And where would you go?” Asked The Empty, eyes twinkling.

“Home. To my family…”

The Empty smiled, a full and unnerving smile “You’ve been through this, hundreds of thousands of times Castiel...  So much time has passed… Dean and Sam? They’ve been dead for… many, many years… And Jack, well he is in heaven with them and his mother... You have nothing to go back to. The only way you will ever get to see them again… Is to restart this loop I created for you, I know you don’t like the sleeping, you rejected the peace the first time you were here… So, how about never-ending pain, instead?”

The Empty smiled wickedly, holding out Castiel’s angel blade to him… Castiel looks into his own eyes staring back at him, he was alone. No one was coming to save him, Sam… Jack…  Dean… They were gone. He was alone, in the darkness…

He takes the blade from the outstretched hand of The Empty… and swallows down nerves and sadness as he turns it to face toward himself, directly over his heart... to see them again. 

* * *

Castiel wakes up in darkness…

“Come on, Cas!” He hears Sam shout in the distance.


End file.
